My sweet boy lost his battle to Cancer yesterday. He passed away peacefully surrounded by family. The only thing that gives me comfort at this point is that he is no longer suffering or in pain. The truth is towards the end he told me he was tired of being sick. He was tired of it all. They made him comfortable and he was able to nod yes or no. I asked him if he was in any pain and he nodded no. At one point, when he was still able to mumble, I asked him if he was ok. He mumbled “I’m tired”. Yes, I know he was tired. That’s what he was expressing a lot in the last month. He was tired of it all.
I don’t need to express how deeply grief stricken I am. All I did the last week before he pass was 2nd guess myself. Should I have taken him to a different Cancer center? Should I have forced him to eat more? Should I have pestered him daily to tell me if anything in his body felt different? The truth is I did all these things and his answer was always “I’m fine.” The only thing that he was concerned with was streaming daily for his gaming community whom he loved so much. I’m happy that this past year he got to do exactly what he wanted to do. He did get to travel, he went to gaming events, he spent a lot of time with friends, he streamed almost daily and he did everything his way! That gives me comfort.
I talked a lot to him before he lost consciousness. We told each other that we loved each other. I promised him that I wouldn’t leave his side and that he would NOT be alone at any point and he was NEVER alone. I often lay next to him in his bed and held his hand tight and I felt him squeeze back. Yesterday was different. I noticed his breathing was harder & his grip wasn’t as firm. I snuggled up next to him and held his hand & told him we were all there. I promised him that we were all okay and we would all take care of each other. I told him it was okay to let go and join his step-grandparents who loved him so much. My daughter told him she loved him & told him the same thing. He took 2 deep breaths and then he was gone.
We all sobbed. The nurse came in and confirmed he was gone. I will never forget that moment. The nurses, nurses assistants and even the maintenance people were all crying. Everyone had gotten to know my son and our entire family so well for the past (almost 3 weeks). The priest came in to say a blessing over him and give us words of support. The Doctor came in and gave us words of support and encouragement as well. The wonderful medical staff made this experience that much more bearable. We couldn’t stop hugging and thanking them all.
But I think, maybe, there is some validity in accepting that a part of you went with the person who died, and a part of them stayed with you.
Now it’s time to heal…..