“When you believe, signs turn up everywhere”

message from above

Do you believe in messages from beyond? Are they really truly messages or the power of suggestion? My son passed on May 2nd, just 5 days ago. I’ve never felt such a heavy pain in my heart as I do now. I’ve always heard stories about people getting special messages from loved ones after they passed and now I wondered if I would too. I’ve been going into my sons bedroom each night talking to him and telling him how much I love & miss him but never felt anything.

Yesterday evening I asked my husband how I would know if my son was at peace and he said he didn’t know. Within a few minutes my best friend texted me a picture of a rainbow and she told me she asked for a sign to know my son was ok & at peace. When she looked outside she saw a rainbow & took a picture of it and immediately sent it to me. I was floored! No one knew about that conversation except me and my husband. I then went into my sons bedroom crying & I told him I got the message and thanked him. I continued to tell him how much I missed him and asked him to continue to send me messages (daily) if possible so I could know he was around me.

Early this morning, as I drove, a red cardinal flew past my windshield and landed beside my car. Once again, I was floored! Later that afternoon, when I got home, my dog began barking and whining at me. He was looking right at me, the hair on his back was raised a little and he wouldn’t settle down. He was fed and used the bathroom so I didn’t know what he was so upset about? I definitely feel in my heart that my son is with me. These few encounters have helped me begin the healing process.

Maybe it’s a coincidence or the power of suggestion but whatever it is I have no explanation for it. I’d like to believe I have an angel looking after me now.

“We understand death for the first time when he puts his hand upon one whom we love”

now in peace

My sweet boy lost his battle to Cancer yesterday. He passed away peacefully surrounded by family. The only thing that gives me comfort at this point is that he is no longer suffering or in pain. The truth is towards the end he told me he was tired of being sick. He was tired of it all. They made him comfortable and he was able to nod yes or no. I asked him if he was in any pain and he nodded no. At one point, when he was still able to mumble, I asked him if he was ok. He mumbled “I’m tired”. Yes, I know he was tired. That’s what he was expressing a lot in the last month. He was tired of it all.

I don’t need to express how deeply grief stricken I am. All I did the last week before he pass was 2nd guess myself. Should I have taken him to a different Cancer center? Should I have forced him to eat more? Should I have pestered him daily to tell me if anything in his body felt different? The truth is I did all these things and his answer was always “I’m fine.” The only thing that he was concerned with was streaming daily for his gaming community whom he loved so much. I’m happy that this past year he got to do exactly what he wanted to do. He did get to travel, he went to gaming events, he spent a lot of time with friends, he streamed almost daily and he did everything his way! That gives me comfort.

I talked a lot to him before he lost consciousness. We told each other that we loved each other. I promised him that I wouldn’t leave his side and that he would NOT be alone at any point and he was NEVER alone. I often lay next to him in his bed and held his hand tight and I felt him squeeze back. Yesterday was different. I noticed his breathing was harder & his grip wasn’t as firm. I snuggled up next to him and held his hand & told him we were all there. I promised him that we were all okay and we would all take care of each other. I told him it was okay to let go and join his step-grandparents who loved him so much. My daughter told him she loved him & told him the same thing. He took 2 deep breaths and then he was gone.

We all sobbed. The nurse came in and confirmed he was gone. I will never forget that moment. The nurses, nurses assistants and even the maintenance people were all crying. Everyone had gotten to know my son and our entire family so well for the past (almost 3 weeks). The priest came in to say a blessing over him and give us words of support. The Doctor came in and gave us words of support and encouragement as well. The wonderful medical staff made this experience that much more bearable. We couldn’t stop hugging and thanking them all.

But I think, maybe, there is some validity in accepting that a part of you went with the person who died, and a part of them stayed with you.

Now it’s time to heal…..

“I don’t know how my body stays together when my soul is completely broken”

broken soul

I have never experienced so much pain & grief as I have in the past 72hrs.

When my son was admitted into the hospital 2 weeks ago I thought this would be another typical lung drain like every other admission but it wasn’t. We were waiting every day for him to get discharged but every day they kept finding more & more wrong with him. Every day it was another scan, another procedure then another scan & another procedure. Each day his condition grew progressively worse. His request for pain meds grew more frequent until the Doctor told me that the Cancer was too far advanced for any kind of treatment to be effective at this point. Now the scary part was telling him. The Doctor went into the room to advise him of the next pain treatment protocol. He asked the doctor that dreaded question; “Am I gonna die?” The Doctor told him his prognosis wasn’t good and that he probably wouldn’t survive but would be kept comfortable & pain free. He was terrified and I was heartbroken! The Doctor was extremely compassionate and had a long talk with my son about life in general.

David is now on heavy pain medication resting comfortably and we are just waiting for him to enter the next phase. This is torture. I will forever be broken.