“Sometimes you have to take a step back to move forward”

I realized the other day I haven’t posted anything here for a long time.

I needed to take a break from everything to find other ways to decompress from my sadness. I was desperately trying to find other ways to let out my anger & rage. I was told that writing about it would help (and it did) but I felt I was diving deeper into a dark place that I didn’t want to be in.

I’m in such a better place than I was months ago. I no longer want vengeance…I crave peace. I’m no longer looking back but looking forward. I realized this when someone from my past, who wrongfully passed judgement on me while I was grieving, reached out to me in a 4 page handwritten letter to apologize. This person not only admitted everything I suspected but told me he was wrong. It took me a week to take that in cause it brought me back to that place where I didn’t want to be. I was going to respond but I changed my mind. I decided I was in a really good place & that person didn’t merit a response. He is not relevant in my life & there is nothing to discuss. I’ve officially moved on. That’s a huge step for me considering this person was high on my imaginary hit list, lol.

I’m definitely in a better place! Much better than months ago…HECK, leaps & bounds better than last year. So although time doesn’t seal all wounds it definitely makes it better.

“Speak when you are angry & you will make the best speech you will ever regret!”

I know anger means there’s a whole lot of pain underneath. The anniversary of my son’s death is coming up in another month & my anxiety has been slowly building. It’s around this time last year his health started to decline & all those painful memories are starting to flood my mind again.

I think I’ve done a pretty decent job this past year keeping my anger, anxiety & depression in check. I’ve kept myself extremely busy & I’ve stayed active. I speak to my husband regularly when something is on my mind & I cry a couple of times a week when I’m alone. I’m on a waiting list to see a therapist but my appointment isn’t until January 2019. Good thing I’m not suicidal 🙄

I have tons of anger issues with people who I feel made an already horrible situation 10x worse. My husband & I did 99% of all the leg work with my son’s treatment & care…and we would do it all over again. On top of that we were caring for our youngest son, who is severely autistic. We never asked anyone for help nor did we expect anyone to lend a helping hand although we would’ve appreciated an offer with help babysitting and/or transportation, but it was never offered.

What STILL angers me to this day is how, at the very end, after my son passed, people who were never there for his entire year of hellish treatment suddenly appeared out of nowhere to take credit like they were all Mr & Mrs Super Heroes?! People, who didn’t even bother to reach out to my son or us are now gonna judge me on what kind of a service I was having. Now that my son was dead everyone wanted to turn this into a big social event. Everyone was too busy worried about pleasing his social media fan base, people who were virtual strangers to us.

Yeah, I was pretty angry! There were a lot of fighting that went on amongst family members at the end. Everyone was too busy dictating to me what kind of service they wanted but not one person stopped to ask me what I wanted and I’m the mother! Till this day it still doesn’t sit well with me how the whole thing went down.

Basically at the end there were two separate services. I had the quiet church service and “the other side” had their big social gathering somewhere else. My son’s body stayed with me. The second service wasn’t the problem. It was the family members who hosted it portraying themselves as martyrs…that was a problem for me. They put on this big show like they were all there for him throughout his treatment and not one of them….NOT ONE did a damn thing for him! It was all so phony! My son did not speak to the other side of the family. There was bad blood between him & my ex-husband which caused him not to stay in touch with everyone else.

I also got pushed to the side, like yesterday’s trash, while my son’s ex-girlfriend was put on the grieving widow pedestal. Can we place an emphasis on the “ex” part please but on social media she’ll have you believe they were ready to walk down the aisle 😣. They were broken up for 5 months prior to his passing. She was capitalizing on his Cancer (I felt for fame & self serving pity) ever since he was diagnosed because he was a famous gaming personality on social media & everyone knew her as his “on again off again girlfriend” 🙄. I’m not saying she didn’t love him but there were issues. Meanwhile I found out she moved in with some other guy about four months after he died so I think she bounced back pretty nicely. I could write a whole other blog on all the issues I had with her & their relationship because she lived under our roof for an entire three months before he broke up with her & threw her out. Come to think of it., I will!

So yeah, I have a lot of unresolved anger issues and his one year anniversary is coming up and I’m doing the best I can to continue to keep myself in check.

“Sometimes pretending you’re okay is easier than having to explain to everyone why you’re not.”

I hide behind my pranks, jokes, laughter and big smile. Don’t get me wrong, it’s all completely authentic but sometimes I’m minutes or seconds away from feeling anger, sadness or even crying.

The anger I still feel is from my oldest sons untimely death from Cancer. Just remembering painful moments only him & I shared still haunt me because I know he was scared and I couldn’t help him. I’m angry cause I watched him wake up every morning & die a little more again every single day. It was torturous to watch and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I relive it every day in my memories.

The sadness I feel is trying to help my youngest son live a somewhat normal life despite his severe autism. It’s like watching someone trapped in their own body fighting to communicate on a daily basis. My fourteen year old son lives an extremely structured lifestyle and anything outside of it turns his world upside down. He needs 24 hour supervision and could never be left alone therefore my husband & I take turns running independent errands. We know no one will ever be able to give our son the special care & attention we give him which is why we chose not to ever hire a sitter.

Additionally, our son has severe sensory processing disorder. His hearing is extremely sensitive so we can’t have any televisions on in the house while he’s home. We can’t run the vacuum cleaner or microwave in his presence. The local emergency response vehicles who run their sirens on our road will trigger a violent meltdown from him. The latest trigger has been the birds chirping outside (yeah you read that right) so now we turn on the fan in the house to drown out the noise. We don’t throw parties, don’t have company & we’re usually in bed by 8pm cause we’re up every morning between 5:30am-6am (even on weekends).

I’m not complaining. This is our life & we’ve adjusted to this way of living. My husband & I laugh a lot, crack jokes & make fun of ourselves. Time is very precious to us and we do the best we can with what little private time we have each day. So when people invite us to go here & there (ie. wedding, parties etc) and we say we can’t go, it’s cause we really can’t. We never attend a function “together” for obvious reasons & if we say “yes” to something then only one of us will go.

The only time I will get annoyed is if someone becomes pushy about us “not attending” a function & that only happened once. I will explain “why not” only one time and after that I’m done. My patience level after my son passed has decreased tremendously.

I choose to make the best of what I have. Laughter helps me get through my pain & tough days. Laughter is my best mental escape.

“Taking a step back can often be the quickest way forward”

The other day I went shopping for some home repair supplies. I went to self check out because there was a register available & I find myself to be quicker than most cashiers, lol.

My register wasn’t working properly & it kept asking for a code so I had to ask the head cashier to come over. The head cashier was a young man, early twenties, athletic build, who seemed flustered already. There were other people calling him over for codes so I knew all the machines were acting up. It was snowing mixed with sleet that day so I’m not sure if the weather played any part in the commotion.

Well my machine asked for a code a few more times & I can see this young man growing increasingly more frustrated each time he came over. By the fifth time I gave up & decided to go to a human cashier. When the young man sees me driving my cart away he says “where you going?” I replied “I’m going to a cashier” He then loudly says “You don’t have to get mad, I’ll check you out” But the best part was, he says that with an attitude. I was annoyed at this point but I kept my cool & I said “I’m not mad”

He then shoots back again with the same attitude “Still, you don’t have to get mad” Everyone else checking out stops and looks at me. Now I’m mad! I felt he was extremely unprofessional but I knew he was having a bad day so I didn’t say anything & I moved to his register.

This young man was running from register to register putting his code into everyone’s machine & I could see he was losing his cool. It was so bad that I made eye contact with one of the other cashiers (casually pleading for her to help him out) so she came over when she was done with her customer & helped out.

When all the chaos was over, that young man came over & apologized to me. I accepted his apology, thanked him for his help & I left.

I could have easily escalated the situation….easily, lol. But sometimes you have to take a step back, take a deep breath and evaluate a situation. I knew this kid was having a really rough day and who knows if he was new, nervous or any number of factors.

Don’t get me wrong, that does not excuse his behavior by any means but maybe he also realized he was wrong. I’m just grateful that I kept my cool long enough to give him the opportunity to apologize to me.

“You need to trust your truth, it is your soul speaking directly to you.”

Do you trust your inner wisdom? Do you know your own truth or are you always second guessing yourself?

This is the year that I decided to start trusting myself….I mean REALLY trusting myself. I’ve been saying for months that I was gonna rid myself of clutter including people who no longer serve me & I intend on keeping that promise to myself.

Well I recently met some “friends” of a family member & I didn’t get a good feeling about them the first time around but I didn’t want to let my initial impression put me off. After a few get togethers, it turns out, my instincts were right on point & these people are really not who I want to be around. Let’s just say they don’t have the most positive mind frame. Everything out of their mouth is filled with vulgarity & negativity. I don’t want to spend my time with people who are so negative that they bring my energy level down & for the sake of not hurting my family members feelings I’m the one who has to sacrifice my good vibes. I just can’t do it, this is where I draw the line.

I’m not interested in having a large circle of people in my life, whether it be family or friends. Quality is more important to me than quantity. I’d rather have a small core group of people who make me feel wonderful than have a large group of people who I can’t even be myself with.

So my intention is to speak my truth & the next time my family member attempts to have a “meet up” involving these “friends” I will say no. I cannot sacrifice my good energy, something I’ve worked so hard to find, just to lose it again for the sake of not hurting other people’s feelings who probably don’t give the first shit about me in the first place.

“Walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy.”

Hello Word Press Family 🤗 Im back after a very long extended break!

I had a lot of soul searching to do. 2017 was an incredibly tumultuous year for me & before the year ended I made a decision to take care of me first. I am of no use to anyone else if I’m not ok.

I don’t believe in New Years Resolutions..not anymore. I always break them before January is even over so I decided to make small changes with myself. I started those changes mid December. I started getting rid of “clutter”.

“Clutter is not just physical stuff. It’s old ideas, toxic relationships and bad habits. Clutter is anything that doesn’t support your better self.”

I started cutting back on my social media presence, changed my diet & removed myself from toxic relationships/ friendships. This all happened in December. January came & I was already in motion. I felt stronger & more prepared because I was already in the midst of my personal changes.

I went back to my old love…daily hiking! I’m reading again, I’m halfway thru a book I got for Christmas and I’m making small daily goals and accomplishing them. I have to make a note for myself every evening of what I want to accomplish the next day and I stick to those short term goals. I feel great when I get these things accomplished.

I want to live more in the present, not only for my loved ones but mostly for myself. Being glued to my phone 3 hrs a day commenting on people’s posts & responding will not help me achieve my greater self. That’s 3 hours of my daily life I will never get back & I will never let that happen again.

I want to do more things I enjoy like hiking, reading, writing & traveling. I want to live each day more fruitfully. I want to make the most out of each day on MY TERMS cause memories are not made by clicking the keyboard. 😉

“A few times in my life I’ve had moments of clarity where the silence drowns out the noise and I can feel rather than think.”

I did exactly what I intended on doing today which was escaping everything & everyone and going up to the mountains to be alone. It was first thing in the morning right after the kids went off to school & my husband went back to bed so I was able to just go without being on the “clock” and disappear for a little while.

It was extremely foggy & misty so I knew no one would be there. On a good day there’s usually no one around so on a crappy day like today I knew I’d have this certain spot all to myself.

I did a lot of stretching & then some Yoga for about an hour and a half whilst listening to the birds singing & the crickets chirping. I thought about my life up to that point, things that made me happy, things I’m grateful for & things I should be grateful for.

I sat for a little while looking out past the trees into the fog and I felt fortunate to have lived up to that moment. My life is far from perfect but I was relieved to feel this tremendous inner peace inside. The peace comes from knowing that I’m a good person, I have an honest heart & I can sleep with a clear conscience each night. I’ve always tried to help others & often go out of my way to do so.

Yes, sadness still exists in my life (it always will) but I knew at that moment, that every single day I HAVE TO choose to find that inner peace within me. No one can do it for me, I have to do it myself. Even if the happiness comes in short bursts of moments I still have to enjoy them when they do happen.

Sometimes you have to step away from the chaos of life to get back in touch with yourself. I will continue to remind myself every now & then that I NEED TO do something every single day that brings me peace, puts a smile on my face & makes me happy.