“In the end, some of your greatest pain become your greatest strength.”

greatest strength

I think the death of a loved one is the most profound pain you can ever feel. The first week after my son’s passing was the absolute worst but I can assure you it does get easier. The pain lives with me but it’s not as heavy. What’s been hard for me is replaying his last week over and over again in my head. I’ve thought about his last few months & second guessed myself.

Pain is a part of life and you MUST learn from it. My son’s death impacted the gaming community a great deal. The lesson they learned was to go for regular check-ups and to address any strange symptoms. My son ignored all symptoms until the pain got so bad it forced him to go to the Emergency Room.

It’s so easy to lay down & let the pain consume you but I refuse to do that. My younger kids are watching me and my husband is also deeply affected by this. We all get our strength from one another. They say make the most of each day and that holds true for me now more than ever.

So a lesson to everyone: each day you wake up make sure you kiss slow, play hard, forgive quickly, take chances & have no regrets cause you don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

“Sometimes, the person you’d take a bullet for ends up being the one behind the gun”

taking a bullet

Today my son was finally put to rest. The service was beautiful. Father Dan discussed the story about how Judas betrayed Jesus, which I thought was coincidentally so fitting for all the drama that has taken place since my son’s death. *Maybe this sermon wasn’t a coincidence but a message? He stressed how in life we must pray for those who do us wrong. He said to always have love in your heart because God see’s all & deals with things in his own way. I left todays service with calmness in my heart because I knew my son was at peace & I felt that I was being sent a message. I know my son is looking down at me and smiling because I did right by him.

When people betray you for no good reason it stings at first but there’s nothing you can do about it. You have to learn from every experience whether it’s good or bad. You can’t make someone love you. You can’t make someone be loyal to you. Love & Loyalty comes from the heart & that’s something that has to come naturally.

Jesus continued to love Judas and keep him close until the end even though he knew Judas was enshrouded by darkness. I will not allow the darkness of betrayal to overcome me. I must keep love in my heart because at the end of the day God is the principal actor in what is being played out.

When my son was still in the hospital a priest came to bless him while he was still alive. That priest told me that God has a plan and that one day I’ll understand it. I hold on to those words & hope someday I can figure out the meaning of everything that has taken place this past year.

God has a plan. I will keep my faith strong and my love flowing.

“Blood makes you related…… Loyalty makes you family”

Loyalty

Death can either bring a family together or tear them apart. Unfortunately I experienced the latter. My son’s death brought out the worst in some of my family members. Unspeakable actions were committed against me and I am committed to moving forward from this. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason and the trauma I’ve experienced opened my eyes to life in general.

Bad experiences will happen to everyone but what do you do about it? You can let it destroy you or learn from it and let it make you stronger. You can’t control other peoples actions but you can control your response to their actions. I am taking all the positive from this traumatic experience because I believe peoples true colors came shining through. I am walking away from it all.

Yes I saw the bad that came out in people but I also saw the good that came out in others. I am blessed to have people in my corner who showed me so much love and compassion and that trumps the negativity. I know everyone grieves differently but that doesn’t excuse bad behavior.

So what did I learn from this? I am stronger than I thought I was, the toxicity in my life revealed itself and I now know that my circle is even smaller than I thought it was. Family isn’t always blood.

“When you believe, signs turn up everywhere”

message from above

Do you believe in messages from beyond? Are they really truly messages or the power of suggestion? My son passed on May 2nd, just 5 days ago. I’ve never felt such a heavy pain in my heart as I do now. I’ve always heard stories about people getting special messages from loved ones after they passed and now I wondered if I would too. I’ve been going into my sons bedroom each night talking to him and telling him how much I love & miss him but never felt anything.

Yesterday evening I asked my husband how I would know if my son was at peace and he said he didn’t know. Within a few minutes my best friend texted me a picture of a rainbow and she told me she asked for a sign to know my son was ok & at peace. When she looked outside she saw a rainbow & took a picture of it and immediately sent it to me. I was floored! No one knew about that conversation except me and my husband. I then went into my sons bedroom crying & I told him I got the message and thanked him. I continued to tell him how much I missed him and asked him to continue to send me messages (daily) if possible so I could know he was around me.

Early this morning, as I drove, a red cardinal flew past my windshield and landed beside my car. Once again, I was floored! Later that afternoon, when I got home, my dog began barking and whining at me. He was looking right at me, the hair on his back was raised a little and he wouldn’t settle down. He was fed and used the bathroom so I didn’t know what he was so upset about? I definitely feel in my heart that my son is with me. These few encounters have helped me begin the healing process.

Maybe it’s a coincidence or the power of suggestion but whatever it is I have no explanation for it. I’d like to believe I have an angel looking after me now.

“We understand death for the first time when he puts his hand upon one whom we love”

now in peace

My sweet boy lost his battle to Cancer yesterday. He passed away peacefully surrounded by family. The only thing that gives me comfort at this point is that he is no longer suffering or in pain. The truth is towards the end he told me he was tired of being sick. He was tired of it all. They made him comfortable and he was able to nod yes or no. I asked him if he was in any pain and he nodded no. At one point, when he was still able to mumble, I asked him if he was ok. He mumbled “I’m tired”. Yes, I know he was tired. That’s what he was expressing a lot in the last month. He was tired of it all.

I don’t need to express how deeply grief stricken I am. All I did the last week before he pass was 2nd guess myself. Should I have taken him to a different Cancer center? Should I have forced him to eat more? Should I have pestered him daily to tell me if anything in his body felt different? The truth is I did all these things and his answer was always “I’m fine.” The only thing that he was concerned with was streaming daily for his gaming community whom he loved so much. I’m happy that this past year he got to do exactly what he wanted to do. He did get to travel, he went to gaming events, he spent a lot of time with friends, he streamed almost daily and he did everything his way! That gives me comfort.

I talked a lot to him before he lost consciousness. We told each other that we loved each other. I promised him that I wouldn’t leave his side and that he would NOT be alone at any point and he was NEVER alone. I often lay next to him in his bed and held his hand tight and I felt him squeeze back. Yesterday was different. I noticed his breathing was harder & his grip wasn’t as firm. I snuggled up next to him and held his hand & told him we were all there. I promised him that we were all okay and we would all take care of each other. I told him it was okay to let go and join his step-grandparents who loved him so much. My daughter told him she loved him & told him the same thing. He took 2 deep breaths and then he was gone.

We all sobbed. The nurse came in and confirmed he was gone. I will never forget that moment. The nurses, nurses assistants and even the maintenance people were all crying. Everyone had gotten to know my son and our entire family so well for the past (almost 3 weeks). The priest came in to say a blessing over him and give us words of support. The Doctor came in and gave us words of support and encouragement as well. The wonderful medical staff made this experience that much more bearable. We couldn’t stop hugging and thanking them all.

But I think, maybe, there is some validity in accepting that a part of you went with the person who died, and a part of them stayed with you.

Now it’s time to heal…..

“I don’t know how my body stays together when my soul is completely broken”

broken soul

I have never experienced so much pain & grief as I have in the past 72hrs.

When my son was admitted into the hospital 2 weeks ago I thought this would be another typical lung drain like every other admission but it wasn’t. We were waiting every day for him to get discharged but every day they kept finding more & more wrong with him. Every day it was another scan, another procedure then another scan & another procedure. Each day his condition grew progressively worse. His request for pain meds grew more frequent until the Doctor told me that the Cancer was too far advanced for any kind of treatment to be effective at this point. Now the scary part was telling him. The Doctor went into the room to advise him of the next pain treatment protocol. He asked the doctor that dreaded question; “Am I gonna die?” The Doctor told him his prognosis wasn’t good and that he probably wouldn’t survive but would be kept comfortable & pain free. He was terrified and I was heartbroken! The Doctor was extremely compassionate and had a long talk with my son about life in general.

David is now on heavy pain medication resting comfortably and we are just waiting for him to enter the next phase. This is torture. I will forever be broken.

My eyelids are heavy, but my thoughts are heavier.

my eyes are heavy

I haven’t slept in over 24 hrs. The end is near and it came at lightning speed. The heartbreaking part is that my son is aware of it. He’s in the final stage of this dreaded, awful disease. Without getting into gory details, this Cancer is doing a number on him. My oldest daughter & I have been bearing witness to it all. He’s withering away right before our eyes. He’s clearly suffering. He pleaded with me & told me he’s tired of it all; almost as if I could do something about it. I can only hope and pray that God will spare him any additional suffering and take him peacefully. No one should have to go out like this.